back in kl..

aiya..d break is over..hv 2 start kuliah again..darn!!!

practicum in sk seri bintang selatan..

wow..wat can i say..um..being there for 2 mths definitely gave me some new perspectives in teaching..let c now..

1st few weeks..

i had a huge culture shock..i mean..a 3-floors-school wif an elevator..come on..plus..almost 90% of the students communicate wif english..n I MEAN 90%..it was crazy..well..not DAT crazy but u see..ive never experienced a school like this b4..so juz cut me some slack yea..huhu..

n then it hit me..i juz knew dat dis skewl is one of d smart skewls in malaysia..how ignorance was i..i dun even noe it..i should hv read more newspapers, i noe..;j..n now bout d students..well..fortunately i got d top classes for year 4 n year 5..lucky me..but..once again..i thought wrong..i thought dat it would b easy for me to teach 'em..u noe..them being clever n all..

but their intelligence kinda challenged me more..i mean..back in my 1st prcticum, whenever i used d ppoint to teach, they would b like in awe or sumthng like dat..but here.."teacher, powerpoint again??? so boring la.."..n they even use pen drive to do their work..can u believe it...i only heard bout 'pen drive' when i started learning in d maktab..ugh..i feel like so katak in d tempurung at dat time..

final four weeks..

well..as they were so advance..i tried to keep my work a notch a lil..n..i must say dat i was not so bad..huhu..gimme d chance 2 b prasan a while lar..hikhik..n d weeks passed by..all fine..its juz dat im getting really sick of observations, lesson plans n worksheets..n dun get me started wif my guru pembimbing..huhu..let juz say dat me n her..its a no no..lets keep it dat way..;j..

n then it was d final week in d school..mixed feelings i would say..one part of me is saying 'wooohooooo...its over!!!!'...but another part of me juz knew dat i would be missing d kids..huhu..kinda emo rite bout now..it was a bitter-sweet farewell..d year 5 students had a party for me..simple but great..n not forgetting all d presents frm year 4 n 5..huhu..

all in all..i must say dat although i was a lil bit 'merana n sengsara' at dat school, it turned out okay..n i had a lovely time there..thanx sk seri bintang selatan for a great experience n to my dear students..u will not b forgotten, dats for sure..;j

ahhhhh...finally..

well..im not gonna say dat i now hv d time 2 update dis blog..but i'll try my best..starting wif my practicum experience in sk seri bintang selatan n wat goin on in my life now..

saying gudbye is hard..

well..maybe i'll juz share sumthing bout myself..its really hard for me 2 say gudbye 2 people i luv..i noe most of us feel d same way, but i literally hv a hard time 2 say gudbye..honest 2 god..i hate it..esp 2 ones dat i truly2 care n close to me..

for instance, when i realized dat i hv 2 say gudbye 2 my rumet (coz we're not gonna b rumets anymore 4 d next sem..), i cried my eyes out..seriously..not in front of her of coz..(thank GOD!!)..i dunno wat happened..mybe im over-snsitive..or mybe i cared bout her 2 much..i dunno..but d thought of not having 2 share personal talks wif her ever again makes me sick..i noe we're in d same class n all..n i noe we could still chat during lectures..but its different..she said dat nuthings gonna change..dat she'll alwys b there when i need 2 talk 2 someone..but..i think both of us noe dat its not gonna b dat simple..having 2 see each other for like 4 or 5 hours a day, wif all d lectures, n u want 2 talk bout personal things???..i dun think so..possible, but..its gonna b hard..i juz noe it..

if it was hard for me 2 say gudbye coz we're not rumets anymore, i couldnt imagine wats it gonna b like when i hv 2 say gudbye to all my close frens when we finish our studies nxt year..its gonna b...damn damn hard, i'll tell u dat..it sucks 2 say gudbye...juz sucks..

staying outside..hurting inside..

so..juz so u noe..im staying outside nxt smester..more like kicked out if u ask me..huhu..its juz dat..um..its kinda funny u see..call it amusing if u will..but since ive been told dat i hv 2 stay out, im not thinking so much bout where would i stay..or how i would mnge d rent, bills n all..

im thinking bout how lonely i would get..u noe..w/out all my close frens n all..call me cheesy but dats how i really feel..ive xperienced it once wif my 1st rumet..when we were not rumets anymore, i was crushed..i mean, it was like losing a besfren..life goes on but it turned out 2 b ok coz we still live in d same place..we see each other evry now n then..n we've been closer than ever..

but now..its gonna b different..we're not staying 2gether anymore..n wif my new rumet..no more late nite talks..no more hangin out..none of dat..im juz gonna c her in class..n dats it..no more joking around in d room..teasing evry now n then..gosh, it hurts me juz 2 think bout it..its like losing someone dat u could talk to..bout everything..its not like i couldnt talk to my soon-to-be housemates..but its different..totally different..god, i dun want 2 b d old 'me' again..wat scares me d most is dat i'm pretty sure dat im gonna b lonely again..n im sick of it..hm..lonelyville, here i come!!!

trip to sungai gabai...

went to sg gabai wif all gurls in my class 2day..n lemme tell u..it was freakin fun!!!..d most relaxin time ive had in months..i wanna do it again sumtime..n spending time wif d gurls...luv 'em..luv 'em..luv 'em..

dis is actually d 1st time all 10 of us gathered 2gether..wat a great moment..no stress..no prob..juz sum gurlfrens having fun..luv it..luv it..luv it..

a dream is a wish your heart makes..

A dream is a wish your heart makes
when you're fast asleep
In dreams, you will loose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for you keep.

Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling through.
No matter how you heart is grieving,
If you keep on believing
The dream that you wish will come true.

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're feeling small
Alone in the night you whisper
Thinking no one can hear you at all.

You wake with the morning sunlight
To find fortune that is smiling on you.
Don’t let your heart be filled with sorrow
For all you know tomorrow
The dream that you wish will come true

When you can dream, then you can start
A dream is a wish you make with your heart..

so many things...so lil time..

here's d deal..for d next sem, i might hv to stay outside..d mktb is on their way to halau me from d asrama..now..still searching for d right place 2 stay..saw my rumet's frens' house yesterday..personally...luv it..luv it..luv it..juz waiting for my future housemates 2 see it..

then there's d scnd practicum..picked d school 2 days bfore...sum says dat d school is an elite skewl..but..i want to challenge myself...disappointments n heartbreaking, blakang kira..gain as many experience as possible frm dat kind of environment..i've made a rite decision, dun u think???

hurting inside..but who cares..

i dun need 'em..maybe its better to be alone..juz minding my own business..if they think dat im dying to get their attention, hmph..i say..PUH-LEASE..

im 21..d golden ticket!!!

alice walker once wrote..."Expect nothing, live frugally on surprise"..dat is exactly wat im gonna do at dis age..juz wanna live my life to d fullest..juz go wif d flow..expect nuthin more, n leave it to b a surprise..

so..i celebrated my 21st bday on january 24th..21 yrs..wow..how time flies..u juz cant c it, can u..huhu..owh well..last thursday (22/01), my close gurlfrenz bck in maktab kinda surprised me wif a bday party..totally unexpected of it coz evrybody was busy packing their bags for d cny holiday..d party was great..i had so so much fun..d best thing bout it was dat all d people dat i want to b there were there..my rum8, x-rum8, n all of my besfrenz..i gotta say..they got me..it was a touching moment for me actually..to think dat they would spend all d money n time on dat party..hmm..makes me feel important..huhu..thanx fadz, tqah, farha, faiza, kima n wana..luv ya!!!

i believe dat i can say dis was d best bday so far..i was home on dat day..so i celebrated wif my family..n i got 2 bday parties..woohoo..one of coz frm my mktb besfrenz, n another one is frm my two besfrenz frm school; ara n eda..it was not planned actually..but when we hang out yesterday, they juz decided 2 buy a bday cheese cake..they even belanja me makan some more..huhu..dats d best part..huahua..luv em!!!..thanx ara n eda..luv ya too!!!!

i really want to share some of my bday pics..but juz frm d 'batu gajah' party..coz d mktb one, we didnt wear our tudung ler..so cannot lar..huhu..here r some of d great moment..till then..hv a great holiday..

yum..yum..

kill..kill..die..die..

olololo..

cak!!

im smiling more dis year...

surprise..surprise..i notice dat im smiling more dis year..kinda shock myself actually..u see..im kinda moody sumtime..but within dis few weeks, i found myself having so much fun wif my girlfrens, esp my rumet..we laughed a lot..n i mean A LOT..so dis is how it feels to b happy all d time..huhu..its fun!!!

aLmost Lover..

juz sumthing for someone who used 2 b a special person in my heart..guess he juz doesnt feel wat i felt for him..kinda pathetic, dun u think..;j..well..life goes on..

Almost lovers by Fine Frenzy..

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget
These images

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do..

malay movie..

i went 2 c 'los dan faun' yesterday wif my folks..its a film by none other than afdlin shauki..n lemme tell u dat for a malay movie, its not so bad..d comedy was real n i really had a great time watching it..but dats not wat im gonna talk bout..

its juz weird dat when i got into d cinema, there were juz literally five rows dat came 2 watch d movie..i mean..when i went 2 c 'twilight', it was a full house..juz felt kinda strange dat some of malaysians do not appreciate d malay movies..i noe dat not all of it were great..heck..i even hate most of d modern malay film..d acting was stiff..they tried so hard 2 b like d movies in hollywood - failed though -..BUT..i must say dat some of it were really good..

yasmin ahmad's film for instance..i must say dat i was so moved by her works..n afdlin shauki..his comic touch in his works are something dat malaysians can b proud of..so..wat im trying 2 say is dat..juz give malay movies a chance k..peace..

past life regression..

do u believe in past live..reincarnation..in case dat u didnt noe, d oprah show is one of my fav..n d topic for 2day was past life regression..its basically a technique that uses hypnosis to recover what most practitioners believe are memories of past lives or incarnations..n d 'evidence' dat they showed during the show was interesting..some of d guest did go deeper in their mind n revealed their past lives..fascinating, dun u think??

well..i used to b a skeptics bout these issues..coz i think islam dun believe in such things..i did some research of my own n found out dat though mainstream Islam rejects the concept of reincarnation^, a number of sufi groups believe in the concept of dawriyyah (cycles) which has many points in common with reincarnation, claiming that this concept is mentioned in the Al-Quran..so..who am i 2 say dat its not real..dat past lives do not exist..well..dis topic is so damn fascinating dat i juz cant get it outta my head..

so..i dcided 2 keep an open mind bout it..not being a total believer, but accept dat there might b some slight possibilities in it..is it real..does past lives really exist..let juz say its one of d mysteries of life..

bec0me a wRiter???

so..i watched d oprah show juz now..it was on d most talented kids around d world..n i was so so fascinated by them..i mean..great pianist at age 7..ballroom dancing since 3..n even know parts of d world when ur not even noe how 2 read..wasnt dat juz blew ur mind away...

but one thing caught me off guard..theres a 14 yr old girl by d name nancy..she wrote a book n it got on ny best-seller list..DAT is amazing..anyhow..dat really makes me wonder a lil..can i do dat??..i mean..as far as im concern, ive always luv english n writing is probably one of my strength..im not great..but not bad either..i got really excited when i hv d chance 2 play with words n language..i noe it sounds corny a lil bit, but dats d truth..

so dis nancy girl said at d end of her interview..something like "if u put ur heart into it, u can do anything.."..n dat really makes me wonder if i could ever be an english writer..i mean..i got nothing 2 lose..except for my spare time, but hey..as long as im doin wat i luv..dats not so bad, rite..well..maybe i should think about it..about being a writer..who noes..maybe sumday i will..;j

to all my dearest frenz..u noe who u r..

by aizat..

Sahabat…mengapa kau pergi
Tinggal aku sendiri
Kau tahu ku tak sanggup

Sahabat…ingat lah kau slalu
Jadi yang terbaik
Walau kau tak disini lagi

Sahabat…aku rindu padamu
Datang walau sesaat
Ku ingin kan kau hadir

Chorus:
Aku disini dan menunggu
Diam tanpa dirimu
Kau tahu ku tak bisa
Beranjak terbang dan melayang
tanpa diri mu ku tak bisa dan kembalilah

evaLuate uR fRenships..

Friendship isn't ranked by..
Whom we have known the longest..
Who came first..
Or who cares the best..
It's about who came..
and NEVER LEFT...

~ ..dats a true frenship..~

0ne souL..

At this moment,
There are six billion,
Four hundred seventy million,

Eight hundred eighteen thousand,
Six hundred seventy one people in the world..

Some are running scared..
Some are coming home..
Some tell lies to make it through the day..
Others are just not facing the truth..
Some are evil men, at war with good..
And some are good, struggling with evil..

Six billion people in the world,
Six billion souls.
And sometimes..
… All you need is one..

mY tRue Love..

sumtimes i juz wonder when will i find my very own true love...will i ever get one...or..even if i did..would it be d one..would d time be perfect..how could i noe dat im not too young to have one...

well..i still dun have d answer...but i would really like to believe on an interesting quote i read..it was from an english novel i found in d library during my skewl years..it goes like dis..

And for those who says that people are too young to love, let me just say...
You can drive at sixteen,
Go to war at eighteen,
You can drink at twenty-one,
And retire at sixty-five.
So, how old do you have to be...
before your love is real?

dis heaRt speakS..

let juz say, it speaks for itself...melawan kesepian by siti nurhaliza..

Apapun yang terjadi
Berjalanlah tanpa henti
Air mata yang tertahan
Waktunya untuk di jatuhkan

Nanti kita kan
tahu
Betapa bijaknya hidup
Sepahit apapun ini
Pelajaran yang berarti

Semoga kepergianmu
Tak akan merubah apapun
Semoga mampu kulawan
Kesepianku...

Nanti kita kan tahu
Betapa bijaknya hidup
Sepahit apapun itu
Pelajaran yang bererti

Semoga kepergianmu
Tak akan merubah apapun
Semoga mampu kulawan
Kesepianku...

Apapun yang terjadi
Berjalanlah tanpa henti...

couRage oF being perfecT??

in youth, we try to equate courage with daring, violence or aggression..sum people grow up n pass thru dat stage..others dont..they remain juvenile delinquents throughout their lives..they r consumed by d need to prove dat they have worth thru besting others..dis is bcoz they simply dun feel , inside, dat they hv any value..ever feeling dat way???

for me, courage does not only involve when it comes to fighting battles or sum sort...its beyond dat..courage is when ur accepting urself..n people around u for who they r..courage is when making decisions dat might change ur life forever..

ive alwys have courage to show d world how great i am..or how i can do things better..its not like being cocky or craving credits or anything..its juz dat i wanted to prove dat im worthy..dat i could be a somebody they could depend on...i realize dat its not d case after all..i was so busy proving myself to others, pleading their so-called attention...dat i forgot who i really am..wats my limits n wat im capable of..then it strikes me...im aware dat maybe i wanted to be..i dunno..something dat i could never b...being perfect...

now i noe dat our goal shouldnt b to convince others how great we have been or how great we r now...im sure dat we all have things which we r proud of..all of us, at times in our lives, have fallen far short of perfection..being perfect is sumthing none of us will ever achieve..our goal should b to aspire towards perfection of character..courage can b a great tool for dis if not tainted by ego, selfish goals or self righteous pride..

none of us r perfect...all of us have things in our past dat we r proud of n things dat we arent...i certainly have things in my past dat i would have handled differently if given d chance to them over again..dont u??

d truth is dat we cant go back in time..but we can try each day by trying to b the best person dat we can, in all dat we do..we can each b a glowing example of, n demonstrate the honor n integrity often talked bout, but sumtimes not evident in life..im not talking bout besting others..im talking bout using each probs we encounter as a challenge to do better..im talking bout using each challenge as an opportunity to develop our personal level of character n integrity..for me, dis is where true courage is shown..

sLave..

so there i was..watchin d oprah winfrey show...todays topic; children slavery in ghana...i must say dat i was so moved by it..even had sum tears..owh, shucks..;j..

despite all dat...i came to my sense dat ive been nagging n complaining on things in my life...well, not really 'things'..mostly its on myself..dat ive forgotten dat there r lots of people who needs help more than i do...wat inspired me d most is d fact dat although they r living in devastation or in a terrible situation one can ever imagine, they still treasure n appreciate evrything around them..

well, comparing their situation wif mine..i guess..well, i guess...ive become a slave of my own thoughts n emotions..

|nterRupted...agaiN???

1993..a memoir by susanna kaysen, an american author...1999..starring winona ryder n angelina jolie...girl, interrupted...a movie dat hv made me think bout life n myself..all d confusions...all d illusions..theres sum saying in dis movie, i quote...

" Have you ever confused

a dream with life?

Or stolen something

when you have the cash?

Have you ever been blue?

Or thought your train moving

while sitting still?

Maybe I was just crazy.

Or maybe i was just a girl...

...interrupted."

yea..its been a while..n i must say dat theres been a lotta things happening lately in my life...sum were joy...sum were sorrow...luv it when im hanging out wif my besfrens...hate it when i hv 2 deal wif things..or even people who r juz...ughhh!!!...noe wat im trying 2 say???

its weird how people tend to change...its like..u think u noe sum1..but actually u dont...n for me..i think its all bout perceptions n xpectations...it seems 2 me dat im alwys perceives people as who i want them 2 b..rather than who they really r..n as usual...i end up getting hurt...

u cant blame them though...i mean..even i cant satisfy everybody around me..but sumtimes...i cant help but wondering..how nice it would b if everything goes as u want them 2 b..dun u?..well, maybe i AM crazy, juz by having those thoughts..but as susanna kaysen would say..

" Was I ever crazy?

- Maybe.

Or maybe life is."

a liL sumth|n b0ut me...

hey all..its holiday again...dunno wat to do...dunno wat to feel...like alwyz..lolz...so, lemme share sum things bout urs truly...

me luvs...
~ cool n breezy place...like cameron, genting...or even tepi2 pantai...without d panas terik of coz..
~ spending time wif my girlfrens, whether in b.g or in mktb..miss 'em already..
~ making sarcastic jokes...most of my frens r d mangsa..poor them..huhu..
~ loyal guys..oops...i mean, men..
~ to see my frens in a gud mood..
~ laugh wif my girlfrens...n i mean LAUGH...
~ my laptop!!!!!!
~ being appreciated...not like giving credit n all..a simple thanx is enuff for me..
~ if people tell me dat they luv me..n dat they dun wanna lose me...as a fren..or as a person..
~ music, movies...luv em a lot..

me hates...
~ poyo guys..yg cam best...n who thinks dat they r better than evrybody else..
~ guys who plays wifs women's heart..
~ gedik gurlz...yg kunun2 manja..n who thinks dat they're sooooooooo cool juz bcoz they're speaking in eng wif evrybody or bcoz they own d newest thing in d market..
~ hypocrite people...b urself, will ya...
~ hot weather...
~ when people force me...
~ guys or girls yg suke mencarut or act x senonoh in front of other people..
~ people who doesnt respect others..
~ dumb jock..
~ kasi pangkah sama org yg suke menipu...

me wishes...
~ to get a true luv in life...yg kekal sampai akhir hayat...huhu..jiwang alert!!!
~ frenships dat last till my last breath...
~ stop hating myself..
~ get gud grades..gud job..gud money...huhu..$ ka-ching $
~ i'll b able to make my frens hepi all d time..coz they mean d world to me..
~ to hv better relationship wif..um..some people in my life..
~ to b happy in dis life..

dats it i guess...d original list is longer...but dun wanna bored u wif dat...less is more...dun ya think???

0pen uP...

dis is actually the 3rd time i 'create' my own blog...d first two blogs...well..let put it dis way...i wrote something...basically bout life n serious stuff...n then i deleted it...funny??? weird??? i feel so too...

dis is actually my first time of 'exposing' myself to people openly...kinda hesitate at first...but...i think its something dat i am supposed to do...coz i need it..u noe, to be open up wif my feelings...people might not like it...some might dun even give a damn...but till dis day...it feels gud to be open like dis...i dunno how many people actually reads my blog, but wat i do noe is dat dis is 1 of d way i could express myself...to search for d real 'me' in the process...

i must say dat when i started dis blog, i became much of a 'darker' person...i hv said dat its bout time for people to noe dis side of me...sometimes i feel terrible for saying horrible things bout my own life...but wat can i do...its d truth...i dun wanna b hypocrite anymore...i noe some people might b okay of being a hypocrite sumtimes...i'd like to feel d same thing...but...its not me...it juz not...

i never thought dat opening up ur feelings, ur emotions would b dis hard...but i did...n i hv no regret...its up to d viewers to interpret wats been goin on wif my life n myself...i rest my case...

s|ck 0f beiNg....n0t me...

im laughing wif my frens..pretending as if nuthin happens...as if everything is okay...i cant keep lying to myself...im hurting inside...deep inside...but im trying to hide it...to make it invisible...keep it all to myself...

ive had enuff...im sick of it...sick of being someone im not...i need to b myself...but when im me, im depressed...im hurting....d wounds getting deeper n deeper...does dat mean i should b someone else??

im confused...puzzled is my middle name...i juz dunno wat to do...im helpless...i dunno wat i want...who i wanted to b...sumtimes i juz feel dat i dunno myself...like theres two of me...a plain girl wif her sarcastic humor...n the other...girl who is lost...

sumtimes....im juz sick of being both...

y..0..y

y do i alwyz meet wif wrong guys...there's d creepy type...d one who can only think bout lust...gosh...i need a break...its not like im desperate to have one...d time will come sumday...i juz need to be relax n wait...n wait...n wait...

diS |s my liFe..

hayati da lyric...huhu..its not mine though..2 bad..

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face
No one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
Never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like (what it's like)

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life

haL0..

I never promised you a ray of light,

I never promised there'd be sunshine everyday,

I'll give you everything I have, the good, the bad.

Why do you put me on a pedestal,

I'm so up high that I can't see the ground below,

So help me down you've got it wrong, I don't belong there.

One thing is clear,

I wear a halo,

I wear a halo when you look at me,

But standing from here, you wouldn't say so

You wouldn't say so if you were me

And I just wanna love you,

I just wanna love you

I always said that I would make mistakes,

I'm only human, and that's my saving grace,

I fall as hard as I try

So don't be blinded

See me as I really am,
I have flaws and sometimes I even sin,

so pull me from that pedestal,

I don't belong there.

Why you think that you know me

But In your eyes

I am something above you

It's only in your mind

Only in your mind

I wear a Halo

One thing is clear,

I wear a halo,

I wear a halo when you look at me,

But standing from here, you wouldn't say so

You wouldn't say so if you were me

And I just wanna love you,

I just wanna love you

i haTe everythiNg b0ut mY lifE..

i never imagine dat i would do it, but i did it tonite...i let my parents noe wats really goin on thru my mind...nuthin serious..i juz told them dat i dun wanna b a teacher..n juz as i xpect, they dun understand it..they dun understand it at all...d saddest thing was..they dun understand me...i dun blame them...coz personally, i dun get them either..

so d story goes like dis...my mom was watchin tv n i said i wanna talk 2 her bout sumthin..i said..i dun wanna b a teacher n I WANT OUT!!!!my mom was cool at first..she started to ask me y...n started to bring up dat it was me who wanted to give up form 6...bla bla bla...then she asked me d big question...wat do i REALLY want..n surprisingly, i burst out crying...n i mean CRYING...like boo-hoo crying...i realize dat i dunno wat i want...n it pissed me off...i was furious at myself not being able to answer dat..i mean..i alwayz knew dat i have passion for music..u noe..maybe compose songs or writing lyrics..but i juz dun hv d guts to tell my mom dat..i dunno y...maybe coz i dun want her to laugh..or think im silly..coz lets face it...i dun really hv professional training on any of music stuff..

to make it short, my dad knew bout it...since he is a former employee in the education world, he explained to me, u noe, bout the joy of teaching..n how it can help me, bla bla bla...plus..i need to pay d government bout rm 50 000 if i want out...so, d point of his long sentence was all bout d money...can u believe it...

so, as in rite now...i still hv 2 finish my course...ade lagi a few yrs..but plz let me noe 1 thing..how can live a life, or study for d matter, if u dun hv ur heart on it...gosh..how i hate evrything rite now...

mE, inteRrupted??

so...i watched girl interrupted astro yesterday...i noe..i noe..it's an old movie..but i never had d urge to watch it before..its lame isnt it..lolz..anyway, i juz realize dat d movie is like me..without d sex, smoking n crazy part..hik hik..

however, i couldnt decide which character resembles me more...susanna, d girl who had a personality disorder, wateva dat means, n easily influenced by people around her..or lisa, d psycho girl who likes to control n manipulate people around her n doesnt care wat people might say for her bizarre action..

one thing for sure..both of them dunno wat they want in life..wat life means n how to live in it...at d end of the movie..i guess...im both of them...

d|ffereNt apPr0ach, mayBe??

call me psychic, but i knew there'll b people who's gonna say sumthin bout my last writing...y u ask?? coz its bout young lurve, boyfriends n relationships..seem to me dat young people get easily offend by that topic nowadays..especially those who r in 'steady' relationships...lolz..

so..nk dijadikan cite..someone left me a msg here in frenster..saying quote "y do u hv 2 b so harsh...there's nuthin wrong having a boyfriend u know....u know wat, i think ur juz jealous coz u dun hv any...am i rite??? dats y u wrote such nasty things bout relationships...i mean look at u...no wonder u dun hv any boyfriend...if im a guy, i wouldnt want a fat,ugly gf like u...haha...get a life n go to h*ll..."

so, wat do u think??? first of all, i dun really understand y dis girl told me to get a life N go to hell in a same sentence...i mean, i cant b in two places at the same time u noe...ahakz..u gotta admit..dats kinda funny...

i juz wanna clear sumthin...i never said dat having boyfriends is wrong..never..but having one n forget bout all the pantang larang agama n budaya (esp 4 d malays), now dat IS wrong...gurlz, he might b ur true luv..but it doesnt mean u hv to hold hands or 'clinging' ur heads everytime u wanna take pics 2gether...call me old fashion or out-dated, but hey..its still wrong..

now for the jealous part..yea im jealous..having a guy controlling ur life..spying on u every single minute..asking where ur going, who do u go out wif..get unreasonably mad when u dun do wat he ask u to do..basically, juz having someone controlling ur evryday life..yup..im SOOOOOOOOO jealous..thanx for pointing it out..

ironically, i dun even noe d gurl who send me dat msg..apparently, she doesnt noe me too..but, if shes reading dis rite now..juz wanna clarify something...dis is MY blog n i can write WATEVA i want..if u dun like it, juz read sum other blog will ya...muahahahhah..

thinK uR reaDy f0r loVe??..th|nk agaiN..

its really hard when 90% of ur frens are in relationships...they juz dun need u anymore...stop lying to urself coz u know its true...i used to tell myself dat..hey,cummon..they're ur frens..n they will alwayz b ur frens no matter how..boy, was i wrong...

i juz cant get sumthin though..y on earth do they look for frenz when they r having probs with their partner, huh?? time2 camtu tau lak cari kawan...i wonder y..

i noe people might say..oh, im juz sayin dat coz im still single..dat i dun understand wat it feels to 'fall in love'..u noe wat..yup, im still single n im proud of it...im a student n its my job to study..not playin around wif sum boys, claiming dat he's d one..d true lurve..cut d bs will ya...ur sayin dat its fun to have 'relationships' at dis age???..yeah..its really fun crying for a guy dat never call u back when he said he will..or text him all d time, reporting on ur day...yeah, it sounds really fun...yawn..thanx, but no thanx..

n 1 more thing..im proud to be a single gurl n not having dis 'cinta monyet' or wat they call 'true luv' these days coz at least...i dun turn my back on my frenz...

wh0 d0 u tRust??

hm..let see...who do i trust???..well, there's my sis...i trust her d most...but she's family..so, leave her out of d list...as for frens...well...maybe there's two..

first up is my maktab's fren..known her since july 2005...called her tqah...she's probably d person dat i trust most in my life..she knows almost everythin bout me...well, maybe not everythin..but i trust her..im not afraid to be myself when im around her n i can tell her everythin..she's a bit blur sumtimes though..huhu..but i lurve her to death...in a straight way of coz..lolz..juz cant imagine my life here in kl without her..thanx tqah..

next..me myself really surprise dat i can trust a person dis soon..let see..ive juz known her bout 6-7 mths..but..its like ive known her for years...her name is fadz..a really gorgeous gurl, but not a fake..she is who she is...not a hypocrite..dats wat i luv bout her..shes damn real, im telling u..wat u see is wat u get..like tqah, i can tell her bout everythin..although im not DAT close to her..but i luv her company..bottom line..i can trust her..juz hope dat she wont do anythin to ruin it...

so..who do u trust???

i duN liKe to taLk..

its juz like any other day..i grab the sun before i get into my class..but today was special..sumthin really caught my attention...its nuthin big..juz some plain advertisement..it was about digi if im not mistaken..it says somethin like.."i dun like to talk, but dat doesnt mean i have nuthin to say.."

gosh...d moment i read those words, i was like..hey, they r talking bout u..well, dats me i guess..i juz dun like to talk...especially when people talks bout their probs..i prefer to listen n think bout it..like how to solve it, or wat would i do if im in her/his shoe..but..dat doesnt mean i dun hv anythin to say..

for me..people who think bout wat they r goin 2 say is wise...people can talk..heck, they got their whole life to do it...but it doesnt mean anything if there is nuthin to it..get wat im trying 2 say???

eXpectat|ons..

expectations can either make u or break u..

i hated when people alwayz hv dis high expectations of me...its like..as if im an angel..wont do anythin wrong..hey, newsflash!!!!..im juz a girl..

i hated when people comment..."i never xpect u 2 do dat"..or "u of all people"...god!!! stop placing me on a pedestal...stop putting me so up high dat i cant see d ground below..

i hated when my parents ask.."mcm mana peksa ari2??"..n i answered.."ntah la..x confident sgt"..they answered back.."tp leh buat kn..no problem rite.."..wat do u xpect me 2 say..dat i dun think i'll get gud results?? dat i screw up?? i end up telling them dat everythin' is alrite...dat i can do it..but i cant...i end up lying to myself...

i hated every single time i hv a feeling like dis..it makes me unworthy...people hv dis high expectations, n i cant reach it...i juz cant...pls...accept me for who i am..n not for the person u want me to be...

second blog..

well..dis is actually my second blog..d 1st one is on frenster..so for d 1st few posts, i juz gonna take it frm my blog in frenster yea..u can check it out if u want..http://kayrune88.blog.friendster.com/

y d name..

freakin' raven..hm..y did i choose dat particular name...it all started a year back..u see..my class started a thang called d 'admire game'..the idea was to be an anonymous writer to a somebody in ur class (after some stupid voting process of coz), n write a letter of motivation wif a hope dat he/she will be better..i noe..it sounds stupid..

i still remember dat i text my sister, 'begging' her for a cool name for d game..she gave me quite a few..but my heart set on d name freakin'...to add some spice into it, i gave the word raven..

a raven is kinda like a crow..ugly..but exist...elegant i would say..u see..nobody notices a crow..but it is there..waitin...watching..so, d analogy suits me..let juz say dat freakin' raven is d darker side of me..d side dat ive been hiding all dis while..d side dat i would hate for someone to notice...but it is there..n i think its about time for people to know d other side of me..